Returning and the Reason Why I Left

I decided to return to my old account thanks to  for encouraging me to not abandoning it. I am sorry that I left, I am sorry for not giving a explanation, but during that past month, I thought it was the best idea, but it was the wrong idea. You all deserve an explanation and to the reasons to why, I left. Some people already think that I am either a two faced scum bag or a the most horrible person that ever lived. I did a lot of things out of fear and anger. One of them was a art submission that, I am not proud of and was a bad idea, I conjured up out from my stupid horrid emotions that I thought would tell the person to just go away and leave me alone. So I am going to starts from the beginning.

For the past few months, I have been doing nothing but beating myself up. People's thoughts about me changed and every time I did something, I felt I was making more and more mistakes. To be this perfect person I thought everyone wanted me to be, everything I said or did I felt that I offended someone. So I would either apologize or try to make it better when it only made it worse.

This entire thing started somewhere in the middle of last year of 2016 during my time dealing with UncleHisoka. I wanted one of my good friends  to have her creepypasta read by WellHeyProductions whom I am good friends with. I asked him to read it, he checked it out and said that he would read it. Not to long after, Tori told me about one of the people who did one section of the story might not like it being read. So, I decided to go to her to tell her that we would be revising her part taking everything out to put a new section that did not have her copyrighted material. We did just that and from the messages I set this person, I thought we had a agreement. 

After that not to long after, Tori told me that Wellheyproductions wanting nothing to do with her and blocked her. I couldn't understand why, so I went to ask him what happened. He told me the same person I told we redid her entire section on. Told him about about some things about Tori and her pasta. He refused to read it due to whatever happened between Tori and this person. I got very displeased and this tore Tori apart like a knife. It completely destroyed her. I went back to the person telling them why they did what they did. They told me their reason and other things about Tori for awhile, I believed. I believed Tori was this horrible person. For awhile, I thought she too only wanted me for my art and just wanted to leech off me, but that was not the case. 

Tori told me everything from beginning to end. Her ups and downs, how she acted towards her friends and how she lost some friends, due to how she was acting when she was younger. Almost losing her friendship with her best friend online and regaining trust with a old acquaintance. Which surprised me. After that happened, I started talking more and more to the person who stopped the pasta from being read and for awhile it was fun. Some people told me to becareful with her, I didn't listen to them. This person, I would poke with funny memes, cracked jokes with, for awhile I adored her. She was one of the coolest people, I have ever met. She helped me with a lot of things and I am still grateful for that, but...

After awhile, something happened close to the end of the year. She had her ups and downs, during this time, I met one of her friends whom, I call 'Baba' she was very very close with. I wanted to get to know Baba so badly. Me and this Baba started talking lil by lil, but after awhile it stopped. During this time, Baba's close close friend told me things about Baba that sounded horrible. For awhile, I believed them to the mental strain my friend was having, I was worried about her. Overtime, I began to hate Baba, I hated her for everything she did to my friend. From the mental abuse to the harassment my friend was getting. Though abuse mentally and physically is bad in relationships. The mental picture my friend painted was a vivid hateful one. I call Baba's OC's cancer, telling my friend Baba wanted to know my address and that she had some stupid crush on me.

During this time, me and my friend would make fun of Baba, we would say all these nasty things.  Even making a join me to stalk her page and did a hate art on Baba. That's how much I hated Baba and how badly everything spiraled out of control.  One day, my friend showed me a picture of one of Baba's new OC's whom my friend said looked like her. I looked at it and said yeah it does kinda look like you, but it could be a mere coincidence. My friend insisted that it looked like her, I thought well maybe Baba still wasn't over my friend after they broke up. My friend's attitude began to change more and more over time. Usually we would talk about Pokemon or silly memes, but that began to degrade. During this time some drama with me and my friend Jas and his gf popped up near December. One of our friends passed away and it made the drama flare up even more. I accused him and his gf of so many things.  My friend was there to help me get through that despite her own ups and downs. She told me to let him go and he didn't deserve my friendship. I was so enraged with Jas and his group that during that time I blocked him and his gf. I refused to talk to Nadz and anyone related to Jas. During that drama in the middle of the night, I called my friend crying and she kindly put her own stuff aside to talk to me. For a hour or so, we talked and then we started to talk about funny things. Even making fun of a OC which was overpowered as frick, but still was not the right thing to do. During that time, I felt my entire attitude change. I was filled with so much hate and so many mixed emotions. During the same month, Baba messaged me. Just asking where I been, why I haven't talked to her. I felt many mixed emotions. Hate, sadness, joy. I wanted to talk to Baba, but at the same time, I never could due to the things my friend told me about her. I never spoke up to Baba to ask for her side of the story nor bothered too. I judged her based on the things one person told me. 

So, I sad hello and we started talking a little more, I asked her if I could have her OC in Beast Blood. (This was before I called her OC cancer.) She said she would be delighted too and even asked if she could have one of my OCs in her comic too. I said yes and that was that. I started drawing out the pages for BOB and ask some other people if they wanted their OCs in. On the same week, my friend asked me to join Discord, which I decided to do. I made a Discord and she and I started talking. She even added me to her group chat with her other friends. Which, I was excited to talk too. I already knew one of her friends, before I met my friend, so I was happy she was there and that I would get to know her more. I did one art trade with my friend's friend and that is what kinda got the ball rolling for me and that person. 

So in the Discord chat we would talk about some things. Sometimes it would be quiet sometimes it wouldn't be. In the same week, I was still upset with Jas and ranted to them about him. The things that were said were horrible. , I was spewing nothing but venom from my mouth, I even talked bad about two of my other good friends. How one of them was ungrateful and the other about Tori. In the chat my friend told me her side about Tori and that made me dislike Tori even more. Wither it was true or not. I believed every word of it. After I talked shit about my closest friends and people who use to look up to me. More stuff happened. I was doing a BOB page with Baba's OCs in it and I showed my friend the page. I thought it would be okay to show, since she told me she was past Baba. That she moved on, but she never did. She commented on the page and said seeing the OC made he feel like throwing up and uneasy. I questioned this since she said she was over Baba and never said that during our join me when we were looking at Baba's account. She only cracked jokes. Saying how it pleased her to see me draw such things over Baba's art. 

 So when after that, I told my friend well I can take this cancerous OC out. Why should I draw it? I would make the excuse saying, "I only wanted this OC to be in BOB because on of my closest friends Evie's OCs was shipped with Baba's Oc and that he would be in the comic." At the same time, I began to have conflicting thoughts about Baba, deep down something told me something is not right. This is not the full story that my friend was telling me. So, I took out Baba's Ocs and put in my friend's two OCs. I did the line art and my friend told me her oc should act as sad and lonely as possible and that her other oc does nothing but memes. I said 'Alright' and did what she asked. I did her two OCs. One looking sad and the other being cute. I put in the text and the moment I showed my friend the page. I was excited, I felt I did the character's right. So when I showed her the page, 5 mins later she exploded with rage. Saying I didn't do this right or do that right. I got this Oc's thing wrong and that Oc's trait wrong. I was shocked and this tore me up. I said I would redo the page and after 2-3 times. She still was unhappy that I portrayed her OCs wrong. Even though, I read her Oc's bios three to four times.

 
  In the same day, I apologized to my friend saying I will get it right this time. I wanted to talk to her privately about it, but she told me that I could talk in the group chat. On the same day I made a journal talking about how OCs work in Beast Blood. That everything in it is non canonical stuff that is suppose to be fun. A chance to do something with your OC that you would never do in their real story. Before I told my friend that, before I use a OC from someone, I always would talk it over with them about it. How their OC will fit in with the plot and how I will use them, That some traits in the Oc will be used in Beast Blood but not all of them since they will be in a environment that their normal traits would react differently too. 

But that wasn't the case. I thought I kept most of my friend's traits and did well to her expectations, but it was getting harder and harder. When she told me to talk in the chat that it was a safe place to talk to her about the problem. She then began commenting to me about things I couldn't even reply too. Some of the stuff was about me doing more research on my own OC Fatalis and she exploded on me about that. Saying I shouldn't even have the privilege to use someone's OC if I never did hardcore research on that OC. She was very enraged and even commented about the journal I made if it was about her. 

For awhile, I said no it wasn't about her, just some people whom was noting me saying, 'They wanted their OCs in BOB and they wanted them to do this or that and it had to be perfect.' I was lying to myself saying it wasn't about her. I didn't want to anger her even more, I would beat myself up over and over saying. Maybe if I did this or that, maybe it would have been better. I was being a hypocrite, the journal I made was about her and other people whom wanted their Ocs in BOB. Wanted to make a comic based on Candy Pop and have them placed in one world where everyone's OCs despite owners not liking one another. Where the OCs you would not see interacting with one another being in one comic. But my friend, I felt when I put in a OC that she was always watching me. Always pressuring me that I shouldn't put this Oc in because she didn't like the person. Or I shouldn't put this scene in that it mess up the entire page. I took out one of 's OC petty spider because she told me it looked bad there in the scene. That it messed up the feels. I showed the page to several people and they loved the spider in the page. It made it look more menacing, but still regardless of their opinions. I took the character out of that scene to impress my friend. 

After my friend, exploded she kicked me out of the group when all I could reply to her was ':0(' Some of the stuff she said shocked me. Like, I said there were things I could not answer because part of me didn't know she felt that way. She talked to me one or two times about using the OC bios as a helping sheet and I thought I did just that in the page, but after she exploded saying that I did this wrong, I didn't do enough research. I was growing tired of drama. During the same time, I had Virginmorpho and Dorrentian stalking me, my friends, my best friend, even going out of their way to send death threats to me and my friends over a stupid headcanon. We were hated by the hxh side of Tumblr. I expected drama from them, but never from my friend. When I tried talking to her privately, she only replied with angered slurs. I wanted to call her on Discord to tell her in person that I was deeply sorry for my mistake. She said 'No'. I said fine. She told me to leave her alone, I said ok and I tried to talk to her. she still refused. Saying for me to leave her the fuck alone. Which shocked me. For, I never told her to fuck off during when we were friends. During that time, I began to break down saying I was sorry and she then said, 'Leave me the fuck alone or I swear I will...' 

So I said 'alright then, I will leave you alone.' She said 'Get out.' So I left. I was tired of everything in my emotional state, I unfriended her, unfollowed her on everything. I talked to her friend apologizing to her about the scene that happened in the chat and she said it was cool. I then made a journal thanking all my friends for their support and for my ex friend's friend for listening. Saying everyone should follow her cause she is a fantastic artist. During that time. My ex friend commented on the journal saying, 'I shouldn't use her friends as trading cards. Just using them and leeching off them.' Which shocked me, I simply only wanted to make friends. It is not right for anyone to use anyone for personal gain and some people told me this was not the first time. My ex friend told someone that. That is happened several times. I didn't want to believe it, but not until someone whom encountered my ex-friend and had their run ins with her told me their story. 

My ex friend would say one thing, then jump to conclusions accusing that person of horrible things. I pondered on this fact as before when I was friends with this person, whatever they told me, I never told to anyone because that is what friends do. They don't talk about the stuff they told you to other people. I kept that secret for awhile. About the entire thing my ex friend told me about Baba to myself. Until, I remembered my ex friend telling me. It is not good to hold things in. Everyone needs to rant about stuff if it was eating away at them. So in my own fear of telling what happened. I was talking to someone on skype chat until I couldn't hold it in anymore. I broke out crying, going into a panic attack screaming into the mic everything that me and my ex friend did. The person I was talking to told me to tell Baba what was going on. So I finally told Baba everything, Baba understood and said to me that I was not the first person to come to her about her ex. Though IDK who the other person is, Baba told me that this person experienced the same thing her ex did to them. Then and there Baba told me her side of the story and everything that her ex told me some parts she confirmed. Like how Baba was depressed and how she talked to me about the gift box she got. It became a game of he said she said. One person told a their story and another their story. 

The more I talked to Baba, how she was trying to move on from her ex by doing more draws or doing more fun things to get away from the drama her ex was causing. The more I realized her ex had a hard time letting go and had hard trust issues with anyone who was friends with Baba or friends with people she did not like. They felt pressured, manipulated and fear from Baba's ex. The same way, I was feeling during my last month when I was friends with Baba's ex. I felt anyone whom I was friends with she did not approve, anything that I did was not good enough. Everything I did I felt she was always watching always judging. Some of BOB's entire plot line was changed because she did not like some OCs associated with some people. So I would change it to appease her and make her feel better. When she had the choice to not read those pages. I was growing tired and the friendship was already falling apart. 

After a month, I began beating myself up, always thinking I was a bad person constantly. People would ask if I was ok, I would say 'Yes.' In reality I was not. I was far from ok. I kept thinking how I could have done better to make the friendship work. What I could have done. The comic was falling apart and at the same time, I decided if one good thing was to come out of this drama I would apologize to Jas for starts. I did apology art explaining everything one how sorry I was for my actions. That it was wrong and i my fear, I thought they wouldn't accept it. To my surprise they did accept my apology. They were more the happy to push all that january drama behind them and start anew. I was happy for awhile, but then after that Baba's ex her DA name I started seeing popping up on my alerts showing he was looking at my account. When she said she wanted me to leave her alone. I took that in as she wanted nothing to do with me. She began commenting on my art like nothing every happened, I deleted my art and resubbed it and she commented on it again. Giving me critique from someone I didn't even want to talk too. commented on the ex's comment and said for her to stop commenting. That it was best to not comment and move on. The ex said fine and after that, I blocked her, a week or so later, she made a journal telling everything that had happened to her with Baba. Showing some screenshots and explaining the same story she told me before. Baba's friends told Baba that some drama was going on, but Baba wanted nothing to do with it. She was moving on all the while her ex was not moving on.

During the same time Baba was trying to move on, I was trying too all the same. A friend showed me a screenshot of the journal and I then unblocked the ex making a status saying. 'If you have something to say, then say it now.'
I wanted to put this drama behind me, to clear the air and soon Baba's ex then started commenting on my status. Apologizing for everything, I accepted the apology, but still angered by her, I left a long wall of text explaining why I was mad at her. She thought I was talking about my stupid comic and I was talking about her commenting on my comic when she said she wanted me to leave her alone to fuck off. She then exploded again, jumping to conclusions. Everything I would say would go in one ear and out the other. It felt like she didn't even listen to me. After that Baba wanted to comment. This entire drama was never ever about a stupid comic or misinterrpretations of a OC. It was all about Baba and her ex's old relationship. Which only fueled Baba's ex's anger even more. She said she was over her, but in reality she never was. In the beginning she was very polite, my friends told me to be wary of her and I didn't heed their advice, she told me so many things about Baba and Tori to the point I hated them with passion. She made me feel like I was not good enough and that I couldn't do anything right. All that negative emotion she had towards her ex, it felt like she was putting it down upon me. 

I couldn't take it anymore, after she talked on my status, a few days before I kept seeing her name poppig up on my DA alert which made me ask her ex to do a comic for me to tell her to stop stalking my DA page. I posted the comic on my gallery and left it as that, back to the status is when I posted my status. We talked and argued she refused to listen, I apologized to her about posting the comic. Which she put on her own journal as hate art. I am not sure if she saw the apology. Either it was a poor one or not. It was one of the worse things I could have done. Despite me and her not getting along, how she then started going on my page more and more, I felt she was stalking me to the extreme, so I left my account. I left everything behind because I thought it would be the best idea. It wasn't til a month or so later that I got a note from her saying she found my account a week after I made it. Which is weird, I never linked that new account until I moved from my old one. Either she found me by me using my old user name or someone has been linking things to her on everything me and my best friend posts. Which a week after I got her note. She commented on one of 's deviations. Her comments would appear every second telling Jesterca to take the post down and that is was about her. Once again she was jumping to conclusions. Jesterca got pissed because she never mentioned her in her post nor ever was talking about her. 

Jesterca argued with Baba's ex, Jesterca told her that she didn't give a shit about what drama she had with me or Baba, but to not drag her into it. It made it clear that either she was stalking my friends or someone was linking her everything we were posting which even though she said she was not paranoid. She was showing signs that she was paranoid.  After talking to one of her friends, they told me that she had a problem with trusting people. Though this is not a excuse to be acting towards people whom were friends to other people whom she did not like. Jesterca noticed this when Baba's ex was commenting on her deviation frequently out of paranoia. Not until one of the ex's friends stepped in to talk to Jesterca about the ex's actions is when Jesterca told her to tell Baba's ex to leave us alone and to stop her harassment. That she would not take the deviation down for it was her own opinion on such matters. That coming onto someone's DA page and demanding they take something down because they don't agree with it, is not only rude but disrespectful. 

Jesterca barely told me about this not more then a day or so ago. Which is what pushed me to tell what was going on. I wanted to keep this quiet, but since Baba's ex made a journal telling her side from the screenshot a friend showed me. Jesterca said it was only right that we posted this up. Baba's ex accused us of a lot of things. Saying I was the reason she lost some friends and that some people blocked her. Now IDK who blocked her. Wither they saw Baba's ex acting in such ways in her comments on the BOB page or on Jesterca's DA is probably one of the reasons. Though, out from all of this from the things she told me about Baba and how she acted. People in great stress can turn small things into big things. 

I am not sure of the real story that happened between Baba and her ex. I judged Baba based on the things I was told. I began hating Baba and one of my friends due to the things I was told. Some where true, some weren't, but the mind can exaggerated something that was small into something big. From what my therapist told me. Small things can become dramatic things and people who do this can turn you against anyone. :bademoticon: They call it beneficial manipulation. That person only used you to keep tabs on other people. Wither my friendship with Baba's ex started out good it started to become very negative during the last few months. Which is why, I dropped the friendship when I should have maybe given it more time and also is why I left this account. I fear that I cannot talk to Baba's ex's friends anymore due to all the drama that has happened. You keep thinking what do they think of me? Do they think I am a horrible person? What could I have done to make it better? Which is another reason why I kept beating myself up. Saying I was not good, no one likes me or cares about me, there was a time during the whole drama I just wanted to leave DA all together. Just run away from it all, but it was not the answer, but many people whom I never thought even cared about me pushed me to stay and to come back to this account. 

I only hope this clears everything up

[Thanks for pushing me to write this. I was fricking terrified to even speak out on what was happening from there to now and I am sorry Tori and Baba for all the things I did or said. ] 

To my fans and friends I am sorry for everything I did. 

(To those who got confused who the ex friend is it is Baba's ex. They are the same people.)